guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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