I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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