I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
