if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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