The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So squirting runs in the family.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
