so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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