Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
