My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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