ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
