happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
