Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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