I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
