to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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