Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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