Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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