just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
