i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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