The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
cat food counts as protein by the way
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize