Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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