Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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