I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
