How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
