so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
