i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
