Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
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