there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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