you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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