Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
