end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
