dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
