ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
