I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
