i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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