Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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