You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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