my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I love you.
Bad choice
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
