Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
