I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
