She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
