rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
