My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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