i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
