Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
