If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
