I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
