i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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