I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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