Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
What drink are we having for lunch?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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