I think I died a long time ago.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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