u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
