well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
