but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
