I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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