my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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