Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
