Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
