no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Randomize
