My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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