I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
