Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
