I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
