Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
