so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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