Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
