This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
