They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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