Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
